10 ways to have a better conversation
这是在TED上面很受欢迎的一个分享，第一次看完感触颇深，然后基本上就是每天必看一次，现在基本上可以背下全文，但是要想悟透（不是知道，这区别很大）分享者的观点，我想我还是很有必要自己翻译一遍，尽管网易的公开课也有这个视频，并且翻译的很不错。
以下是全文以及我的翻译：
All right, I want to see a show of hands:how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion,childcare, food?
好的，我想让大家举手示意一下，有多少人在Facebook上拉黑过别人，因为他们发表过一些令你不悦的言论，比如政治、宗教、育儿，或者是食物。
(Laughter)
And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
有多人人有至少一个不想见到的人，因为你就是不想跟对方说话。
(Laughter)
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation,we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":Stick to the weather and your health.But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --are not safe either.So this world that we live in,this world in which every conversationhas the potential to devolve into an argument,where our politicians can't speak to one anotherand where even the most trivial of issueshave someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults,and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized,we are more divided,than we ever have been in history.We're less likely to compromise,which means we're not listening to each other.And we make decisions about where to live,who to marry and even who our friends are going to be,based on what we already believe.Again, that means we're not listening to each other.A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening,and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.
你知道，过去你为了礼貌的交谈，我们不得不遵守Henry Higgins在《My Fair Lady》中的建议，你只需要谈论天气和你的健康状况就好了。但是近期，随着气候变化以及反对疫苗，这些招式也不怎么管用了。所以，这个我们生活的世界，我们的每一次交谈，都有可能发展成一次争论，政客们不能互相交谈，甚至为那些鸡毛蒜皮的小事，都有人激昂的赞同或者反对，这太不正常了。Pew Research对1万名美国人做了一次调查，他们发现，在这件事情上，我们的偏激程度，我们立场鲜明程度，比历史上任何时期都要高。我们很少妥协，这也就意味着我们很少互相倾听。我们所做的决定，我们去哪生活，跟谁结婚，和谁交朋友，这取决于我们已有的信念。这同样意味着我们没有互相倾听彼此。交谈需要平衡说和听，但是不知怎么，我们失去了这种平衡。
Now, part of that is due to technology.The smartphones that you all either have in your handsor close enough that you could grab them really quickly.According to Pew Research,about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friendsthan they are to talk to them face to face.There's this great piece in The Atlantic.It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.And he gave his kids a communication project.He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes.And he said this: "I came to realize..."
现在，技术进步是一部分原因，比如智能手机现在就在你们的手中，附近，以至于你们随手就能拿到它。按照Pew Research的研究，大约三分之一的美国青少年每天发送超过100条短信，这其中的很多人，甚至是全部人，更喜欢向他们的朋友发送短信，而不是面对面交流。《大西洋》杂志刊登过一篇很棒的文章，是一个叫Paul Barnwell的高中老师写的，他给他的学生们留了一个交流作业。他希望教会孩子们在不借助笔记的情况下进行一场特别的演讲。他说道，我开始意识到。。。
"I came to realize that conversational competencemight be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,but rarely do they have an opportunityto hone their interpersonal communications skills.It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves:Is there any 21st-century skillmore important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"
我开始意识到，交流能力可能是我们最被我们忽视的，没有教好的技能。孩子每天花费数小时通过屏幕和其他伙伴交流创意，但是很少有机会去打磨自己的人际交往的技能。这可能听起来是一个滑稽的问题，但是我们不得不问问我们自己：21世纪，有什么能力比维持一段连贯的，自信的谈话更重要。
Now, I make my living talking to people:Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,billionaires, kindergarten teachers,heads of state, plumbers.I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like.I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.But I still have a great conversation with them.So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talkand how to listen.
现在，我的职业就是跟别人谈话，诺贝尔奖获得者，卡车司机，亿万富翁，幼儿园老师，市长，水管工。我和我喜欢的人交谈，也和我不喜欢的人交谈。我和在个人层面上很不认同的人交谈。但是，我依旧和他们谈的不错。所以，我想用接下来的10分钟教你们如何说话，如何倾听。
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,things like look the person in the eye,think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.So I want you to forget all of that.It is crap.
你们中的很多人一定听过很多这方面的建议，比如看着对方的眼睛，提前想好有趣的话题，注视，点头，微笑来表示你很专注，重复你刚刚听到的那些或者总结。但是，我想要你们忘掉这一切，这全都没用。
(Laughter)
There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.
根本没有理由去学习如何表现的专注，如果事实上你很专注的话。
Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people,and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.Learn to have a conversationwithout wasting your time, without getting bored,and, please God, without offending anybody.
事实上，我是把一模一样的职业访谈技巧，用到了日常生活中。所以，我我要教你们如何去访谈别人，其实，这将会帮助你们学习如何成为一个更好的沟通者。学习开始一段交流，不浪费时间，不无聊，以及最重要的，不冒犯任何人。
We've all had really great conversations.We've had them before. We know what it's like.The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired,or where you feel like you've made a real connectionor you've been perfectly understood.There is no reason Why most of your interactions can't be like that.
我们都曾有过很棒的交谈。我们都有过，我们都知道那是什么感觉，那种结束之后让你感到享受和鼓舞的交谈，或者让你感觉到你和别人真正的建立了连接，你得到了真正的理解。没有理由，为什么你大部分的人际交往不能成为那样。
So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them,but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it,you'll already enjoy better conversations.
所以，我这里有10条基本规则，我将会一一的解释他们，但是坦率的说，如果你选择其中的一条，并且熟练掌握，你将会享受愉快的交谈了。
Number one: Don't multitask.And I don't mean just set down your cell phoneor your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.I mean, be present.Be in that moment.Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.If you want to get out of the conversation,get out of the conversation,but don't be half in it and half out of it.
一：不要三心二意。我不是说简单的放下你的手机，平板电脑，车钥匙或者是任何你拿在你手里的东西。我的意思是，享受现在，进入到那个情境中去。不要想你之前和老板的争吵，不要想着晚饭吃什么，如果你想退出交谈，就退出交谈好了，不要身在曹营心在汉。
Number two: Don't pontificate.If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth,write a blog.
二、不要好人为师。如果你想表达你的观点，又不想有任何机会让别人回应，争论，反驳，或者是转发（不知道这儿growth如何翻译才更好），去写博客。
Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show:Because they're really boring.If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.Totally predictable.And you don't want to be like that.You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.He said that sensing this acceptance,the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.Again, assume that you have something to learn.
有个很好地理由来说明为什么我们的谈话中不该有专家说教，因为那真的很无聊。如果对方是个保守派，那他们一定讨厌奥巴马，食品券和堕胎。如果对方是个自由派，他们一定讨厌大银行，石油公司，和迪克。完全可以预测，你一定不喜欢那样。你需要在开始每一次交流之前都假设自己可以学到一些东西。著名的治疗专家M. Scott Peck说，真正的倾听需要把自己放在一旁（放空自己），某种意义上讲，有些情况下你需要把你的观点放在一旁。他说，感受到这种接纳，说话的人会变得越来越不敏感，而且越来越有可能打开自己的内心世界给倾听者。再说一遍，假设你可以学到一些东西。
Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't."I put it this way:Everybody is an expert in something.
Bill Nye说，每一个你没有叫过的人都有你不知道的东西，用我的话说，每个人都是某方面的专家。
Number three: Use open-ended questions.In this case, take a cue from journalists.Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence,which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't.""Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.Try asking them things like, "What was that like?""How did that feel?"Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
三：使用开放式的问题。有关这个问题，可以参照记者的提问方式。以谁、什么、何时、何地、为什么、何种方式开始提问，如果你问了一个具体的问题，你将会得到一个简单的回答。如果我问你：“你当时恐惧吗？你会用那个句子中最有力的那个词回答，即“恐惧”，或者答案是“是的，我很恐惧”或者“不，我不恐惧”。“你当时生气吗？”，“是，我很生气.”让对方去描述，他们才是最了解情况的人。尝试着这样问，“那是什么样子？”，“你感觉怎么样”他们也许会停顿一下，思考一会，而你会得到很有意思的回答。
Number four: Go with the flow.That means thoughts will come into your mindand you need to let them go out of your mind.We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutesand then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question,and he was just bound and determined to say that.And we do the exact same thing.We're sitting there having a conversation with someone,and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop
四：顺其自然。也就是说，想法会自然的流入你的大脑，你需要将他们表达出来。我们经常在采访中看到，嘉宾说了好几分钟，主持人回来问问题，这问题感觉好像不知道从何而来或者嘉宾已经回答过了。这也就有可能，主持人两分钟之前就没听了，因为他正在想他这个机智的问题，于是心里都是想着说这个问题。我们也经常干这样的事情，当我们和某人交谈的时候，我突然想起那次我和Hugh Jackman在咖啡店偶遇。
And we stop listening.Stories and ideas are going to come to you.You need to let them come and let them go.
然后我们就不听了，故事和想法不断的涌现出来，你需要让他们离开，即便这无法阻止。（这一句式，之前没有见过，查阅字典是这样解释的）
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR,are much more aware that they're going on the record,and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert inand what they claim to know for sure.Do that. Err on the side of caution.Talk should not be cheap.
五：如果你不知道，就说你不知道。（别装逼）现在，在广播尤其是NPR工作的人，非常能意识到他们的话将会被播出去，所以他们很小心，在他们很专业或者是很确信的东西。就这么做，警言慎行。交谈不应该是廉价的（应该是负责人的）
Number six: Don't equate your experience with theirs.If they're talking about having lost a family member,don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,don't tell them about how much you hate your job.It's not the same. It is never the same.All experiences are individual.And, more importantly, it is not about you.You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said,"I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."
六：不要把自己的经历和别人的对比。如果有人谈论他失去了一位亲人，不要开始谈论你也失去了一位亲人。如果有人谈论在工作中遇到的麻烦，不要告诉别人你有多么讨厌你的工作。这不一样。这绝对不一样。所有的经历都是个人的，而且更重要的是，这不是在谈论你的事情，你不需要在此刻证明你有多么的惊讶，或者你经受了多少痛苦。有人问霍金，你的智商是多少？他说：”我不知道，那些自吹自己智商高的人都是失败者（loser，这个词在这个地方不知道如何翻译更好）
Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.
交谈不是推销自己的机会。
Number seven:Try not to repeat yourself.It's condescending, and it's really boring,and we tend to do it a lot.Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,we have a point to make,so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Don't do that.
七：尽量别重复自己说过的话。这很傲娇，也很无聊。但是我们很容易这么做，尤其是在工作交谈中，跟孩子的交谈中，我们有一个观点想表达，于是我们换着法的使劲说，别这么做。
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.Frankly, people don't careabout the years, the names,the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.They don't care. What they care about is you.They care about what you're like,what you have in common.So forget the details. Leave them out.
八：少说废话。坦率的说，没有人在乎那些年份，姓名，日期等，你试图在脑海中回想这些细节，别人不在乎。他们在乎的是你，他们在乎的是你是什么样的人，你们有什么共同点，所以忘记这些细节，别管他们。
Number nine:This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.Listen.I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop.Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,"If your mouth is open, you're not learning."And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."
这不是最后一条，确实最重要的一条.倾听.我不知道有多少牛逼的人说过，倾听可能是最重要，第一重要你需要提升的技能。佛说-我转述一下，“如果你不停的说，你讲学不到任何东西”Calvin Coolidge说，从来没有人因为一直听而被公司开除的。
Why do we not listen to each other?Number one, we'd rather talk.When I'm talking, I'm in control.I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in.I'm the center of attention.I can bolster my own identity.But there's another reason:We get distracted.The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.And look, I know, it takes effort and energyto actually pay attention to someone,but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
我们为什么不能互相倾听？首先，我们更喜欢说。当我说的时候，一起都在我的掌控之中，我不用去听任何我不感兴趣的东西。我是焦点。我可以强化我的认同感，但是这有另外一个原因：我们会受到干扰，正常人每分钟说225个单词，但是我们每分钟可以听超过500个单词，所以我们的大脑被这275个单词占据了。我知道，专注的听别人说很消耗精力，但是你不这么做，你们就不是在交谈。你们只是两个在同一地方几乎不相关的两个人彼此嚷嚷罢了。
You have to listen to one another.Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand.We listen with the intent to reply."
你们必须互相倾听。Stephen Covey描述的非常好。他说，大部分人听别人说并不是为了理解，而是为了回复。
One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.
最后一条，第十条：简明扼要。
[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest,but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]
好的交谈就像恰到好处的迷你裙，短到足够吸引人，长到可以包住重点部位。-我的妹妹的比喻。
(Applause)All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one:Be interested in other people.
所有的这些浓缩成一个基本的概念：对对方产生兴趣。
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather,and there was kind of a ritual in my home.People would come over to talk to my grandparents,and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us,and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?She was the runner-up to Miss America.He was the mayor of Sacramento.She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can,I keep my mind open,and I'm always prepared to be amazed,and I'm never disappointed.
你们知道，我在一个名人外公身边长大，有各种各种的宾客出现在我家（络绎不绝），他们会过来跟我的外祖母交谈，当他们走后，我妈会走过来，对我们说：“你们知道那是谁吗？”她是美国小姐的亚军，他是萨克拉门托的市长，他拿过普利策奖，他是俄罗斯芭蕾舞舞蹈家。我在成长中默认了，每个人都有一些不为人知、令人惊讶的事情。说实话，我想正是这让我成为了一个更好的主持人。我尽量保持不说话，我开放我自己的思想，我时刻准备着大吃一惊，而我从来没有失望过。
You do the same thing.Go out, talk to people,listen to people,and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
你可以做同样的事情，走出去，和别人交谈，听别人说，以及最重要的，准备好大吃一惊。
Thanks.
小结：曾经一度觉得自己患了社交恐惧症，拒绝与别人聊天，其实大部分情况是不知道聊什么，又或者是觉得沟通成本实在是太高，不喜欢这种效率低下的社交方式。
仔细观察了身边的好多沟通场景，发现正如分享者所说，大部分情况下我们并不是在沟通，只是恰巧出现在同一时间，同一地点的两个人互相嚷嚷罢了，通常来说意义是不大的，反倒是会增加社交压力。
倾听，这是一门学问，更是一种品德，需要克制，需要放空自己，而这恰恰是优秀的人和平庸的人的根本区别，就像我最近顿悟的一句话，如果你不能控制你自己的情绪，你将一事无成。
最后分享者有个很精彩的观点就是：尽量保持不说话，随时转备好大吃一惊，不管别人咋样，我已经开始这么做了。