2019-08-27 Just a nightmare

"Did he always get married?“ I asked, in peace, with a smile. 

"He had got married at Jan.2018,  I joined it." 

Stepping out of the room, I started to write words on my chest with a bold pen, slowly, slowly, stroke by stroke, I .. wish... you... happy...Then pushing the pen harder and harder, faster and faster, ultimately, I have no idea what I was writing, what I gonna write.  Sitting down on the meadow heavily, very, very painful, sorrowful... I throw away the pen with all my strength and tried to cry out with all my courage and strength. but I tried to control myself crying too loud, really sad, really harsh. I felt that I lost my breath at a moment. 

Then I woke up, with tear overflowing my eyes, and sobbing.  It was just a nightmare, not real. The dream still not leave from me, being too sad, I began to cry. This time, it's real. 

I still get stuck, cannot let it go,  cannot really move on.  Am I really sick in the relationship? I have asked myself a hundred times, but I never get an accurate answer. 

It would be a long time,  a long journey, a big test for me. 

It still needs time, a long time! 

I tried to ask someone to help me out, yet it didn't work. 

No one cannot really help me, but myself.