作者：奥斯卡·王尔德
译文：真念一思
续接：自深深处——王尔德致波西的信（八）
作者简介及相关背景介绍，请参见：
自深深处——王尔德致波西的信（一）
All I know is that a feeling of utter horror had come over me, and that I'd felt that unless I left the room at once, you would have done, or tried to do, something that would have been even to you, a source of life long shame. It was not the first time I had been obliged to save you from yourself.
You concluded your letter by saying:" When you are not on your pedestal. you are not interesting. The next time you are ill I will go away at once."
What entire lack of imagination! How callous! How common!How often have those words come back to me in the wretched solitary cell of the various prisons I have been sent to. I settled with myself drive to your father to state that I determined never under any circumstances to allow you to enter my house, to talk to me, walk with me, or anywhere and anytime to be my companion at all.
我只知道当时心中升起一股极度的恐惧，感到要是不马上离开房间，你说不定就会做出、或者试图做出什么事来，酿成甚至会让你羞愧一生的憾事。这已经不是第一次我觉得有责任要救你一把，免得你害了自己。
在信的结尾你声称，“作为偶像，当你没有高高立在你的底座上的时候，是没啥意思的”，下次你要是病了，我会立马走开。”
在我被关押过的各处监狱中，在那凄凉孤寂的牢房里，这些话会时常回响在我耳边。我终于下定决心，开车去到你父亲那儿，向他表明，我已决定在任何情况下，都绝不允许你再进入我的房子，同我讲话、与我散步，换言之，就是无论何时何地，都绝不再与你在一起了。
On Friday morning, as I was sitting at breakfast
I happened to open the newspaper and saw in it that your elder brother had been found dead in a ditch with his gun lying discharged beside him.
The horror of the circumstances now known to have been an accident, but then stained with a darker suggestion; the pathos of the sudden death of one so loved by all who knew him, my idea of what your own sorrow would, or should be; my consciousness of the misery awaiting your mother at the loss of the one who, as she told me once herself, had never caused her to shed a single tear. Out of the confluence of these thoughts and emotions came infinite pity for you and your family. I telegraphed to you my deepest sympathy, and in the letter that followed invited you to come to my house as soon as you were able.
星期五早上，我坐下来准备吃早餐，无意间翻开报纸，看到上面刊登了一则消息，说你哥哥被发现死在一道壕沟里，身边丢着他那把已发射过的枪。这可怖的悲剧，现在据悉是出于意外，可当时却暗指另有蹊跷。这样悲惨的变故，一个人人都喜欢的年轻人竟如此遽然离世，这让我想到你会有多么悲伤，或者，该会有多么悲伤；我还想到你母亲，失去这样一个亲人，她会面临怎样的哀伤，有次她曾亲口告诉我，你哥哥从出生以来，就没有让她掉过一滴泪。
在这千般思绪，百种情感的交融下，我内心涌起对你和你家人的无限同情。我当即给你致电，表达我最深切的同情，并随后去信，邀请你只要一走得开，就马上到我家来。
On your return to town you came at once to me very sweetly and very simply, in your suit of woe, and with your eyes dim with tears. You sought my consolation and help, as a child might seek it. I opened to you my house, my home, my heart. I made your sorrow mine also, that you might have help in bearing it.
Your grief, which was real, seemed to me to bring you nearer to me.
The flowers you took from me to put on your brother's grave were to be a symbol not merely of the beauty of his life, but of the beauty that in all lives lies dormant and may be brought to light. The gods are strange. It is not of our vices only they make instruments to torture us. They bring us to ruin through what in us is good, gentle,humane, loving. But for my pity and affection for you, I would not now be weeping in this terrible place.
一回到城里，你马上就到我这儿来了，穿着丧服，泪眼蒙蒙，一副可怜单纯的模样，像个寻求安慰的孩子，你要我安抚、求我帮你。我向你敞开了我的房子，我的家，我的心。我将你的悲伤也当作了自己的悲伤，希望我的分担，能对你有所帮助。你那真切的悲痛，让你似乎离我更近了些。你从我这儿拿去供在你哥哥墓前的鲜花，不仅仅是他如花生命的象征，也是静静蕴藏在所有生命中，或将一朝绽放的美的象征。
可神灵总是那么捉摸不定。他们不仅仅会利用我们的恶，来作为惩罚我们的工具，也会借助我们内心的美好、温善、仁慈、关爱，把我们引向毁灭。如果不是因为对你的同情和钟爱，我现在也不会在这可恶的地方悲泣……
续文请见：
自深深处——王尔德致波西的信（十）
（ 图片来自好友，感谢Mary•L！）
题图诗：庐阳第一怪：
青峰环绕拢云烟，海阔天空行楼船。
顺风无须使蛮力，飘摇直入银河湾。
———\ 一丝怪念组合
（感谢庐阳第一怪配诗鼓励支持！）
题图诗：蛮力
小船划行水中央，烟云缭绕风轻扬。
闲度光阴垂钓客，鲈鱼钓得一箩筐。
（感谢蛮力配诗鼓励支持！）
