2017.9.16

  It's been a long long time that I never write sth. to record my feelings so that I even don't know where I can begin now ...

There are too many unhappy things happened this year and I even thought I could not make it through. And now, I am still on the way, still never get out of my sorrow yet, but I am trying to get myself happier day by day. The world is so wonderful and life is beautiful, I wanna see more.

However, there are much more people who are more tragic than me and I actually don't need to feel sad to myself. As for other really tragic people, they may not feel a thing what I feel sad and upset...It seems like I am just making some fuss without any illness and pain...but how can I fix it? I am still down and sad...

I uninstalled WeChat from my mobile and later I even set it in flight mode yesterday so that I could hide at my home, at any corner of the house. I could hide everyone from looking for me online, sending me messages and calling me...I just told two sisters of mine that they could find me by calling my home telephone and they are both really worried about me. I knew it and that's the reason that I dare not talk more with them...I knew this feeling too much! watching the person grieving alone who you reaally care about, you can do nothing for him. It's frustrated. I knew it. I remember several days ago, Tem sent a text message to me saying she's distressed, after I had asked her whether I should be with CHN, whether I should try again with him or not. I don't mean to let her down, but actually I bring her pain. Actually, she doesn't need to get down, but she's down and this is because of me...Like the thing I always think over, what can I bring to the people surrounding me...It seems like I can only bring them unhappiness...I always let people down...I really hate myself...And I dare not talk more with two sisters and almost ran away immediately after leaving them the words. Even so, I could still feel them worrying about me and I destroyed their good mood...again...

I also uninstalled the game I play on my mobile almost everyday, the Arena of Valor, and some apps relevant with it. I escaped from the Internet. I stayed awake at night after lying on my bed for nearly 2 hours and I was thinking over whether I should find sth. to be my belief, whatever Jesus or Maria or Bodhisattva...find sth. for my belief so that I can feel I'm not alone when I was trapped...so that I can feel I was not dumped...And I really began to think over that I would go to the Shishi church next day...

Actually, today I stayed at home all the morning and made up myself after lunch. After I dressed up and finished my makeup, I went to U.Coffee and sat here till now, wearing my earphone and listening music. I escaped the Internet nearly one whole day and I really feel it helpful. I am not so anxious as before.

I am so appreciate I got this app that I can write my feelings here. I am now much better. Life is not esay...I will try to stay alive...I wanna see more beautiful things...I still wanna see more...