The Pain of the Pain

I'm glad I'm writing again.

I'm reading a book called Looking for Alaska. Alaska here is not the name of the place Alaska, it's actually a person, a girl who is named Alaska. I would say Alaska got me back to writing, and writing means that I'm back to thinking and learning, which I loved and missed.

I went back to reread some of my writings, some of them may seem a little bit childish, but hey, everyone has his dramatic moments, and I'm gonna keep them there to remind myself  not to think like a freaking child no more.

This book or this person, let's say, made me think a lot. "You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present," said Alaska. This is what I needed to hear I guess. Although I'm lost and broken just like her, and feel like I'm related to Alaska in so many ways, I never had the courage or guts that she had. I brought myself here, into this endless labyrinth, "wasted" a whole year staight drifting, and even though I hated it, I never really acted on finding ways out, at least one.I mean I did a littlel, but not entirely.

By saying "wasted", I'm not saying I regret my desicions back then or anything, I mean, if we could go back to the past and make things right, we could've lived a perfect and flawless life. The thing is, we just can't go back, but, we can make it right from now on. And also we can't be sure if it is right or wrong until now becomes past. So why do we even bother to think about whether it's wrong or right when we can't tell what is right and what is wrong.

“The pain of giving up is the pain of death, but death of the old is birth of the new. The pain of death is the pain of birth, and the pain of birth is the pain of death.” But the processes of accpeting or realizing all these are painful. Birth means making something alive. It could be giving birth to a baby, to an idea or a book, it could be anything. But all of the processes are painful. For example, an idea just hatched in my mind (actually most of the ideas that have hatched in my head are painful) because after its hatching, I need to think of ways to put them into practice. But what if it's so hard, what if it's too dangerous, what if no one would agree with me or even everyone dislikes what I'm doing... There are just countless things you need to work on and figure out. Some may say you didn't even give it a try, how do you know it's painful and not gonna work. But believe me, I've been trying. Therefore, somehow, the pain of both death and birth brings me joy.

Wanna know why? Because the death and the birth is like yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday is a history, it demands to be reflected. Tomorrow is a mystery, it's needed to be expected. But today is the present, it's suppoed to be lived. Life goes forward and things get passed, as long as we are marching forward, pain will never be the answer...