完全意料之外，我偶然遇见了一个人，我们相遇的是彼此的灵魂，TA口中所说的一些关于人生的话，正是我所想，TA所做的事，也正是我过去生命欣喜的来源。我抑制不住地想向TA靠近，我内心灵魂的小人开心地想要告诉TA内心的灵魂小人，“好高兴认识你，原来这个世界没有那么让人孤单。我们居然有好多一样的地方呀！” 然而，我的灵魂觉察到，好像只是一个人的自HIGH，TA的那个小人并没有那么兴奋，并且那个小人开始想要离开。最初，我很伤心，难过，感受到自己灵魂被冷遇的卑微，甚至想通过再也不要和TA有任何精神交流来逼迫TA认识到我的重要性。
然而在我陪着自己感受这种分离痛苦的两天后，我的内心突然出现了一个词“控制”，让我豁然开朗。原来，我所有痛苦的来源都是在试图控制这段关系中的另一个人，我不想让TA有来去的自由。我想把TA变成满足我需求的工具。我知道，真正好的关系，无论友情、亲情、爱情，一定是以“不控制”为前提的。那所有关系的源头是什么呢？ 我认为是我和自己的关系。
我开始反思，我一直倡导的“爱自己”究竟是什么意思？ 我是在害怕什么？害怕又回到过去那样的状态？
过去，我常常通过刷剧，浏览各种社会新闻，刷抖音等去逃避和自己真实的感受相处。而现代科技的发展，让各种媒体永远根据自己的偏好推送各种内容。于是我为自己构建了一个完全符合潜意识模型的精神世界，并在每天中不断巩固过去秉持的信念。让现实服务于自己的信念。
当我放手让自己沉浸在这样的信念里，每每事实不能按照自己的信念去发展时，我体验到很深的焦虑，为了逃离这种焦虑，我就把自己放入刷抖音，社会新闻及各种对自己意义不大的快餐式信息中，结果搞得自己更经常体会到一种虚无，无意义。这种感受也许和一个海王阅女无数很像，那些女人只是来帮助他逃避自己的内心，所以他不可能体会到爱，只能体会到虚无。直到他可能某天遇到一个让他看见自己的女人。他欣喜万分，认为自己终于遇到了真爱。他又把这个女人当成帮助他逃离虚无的工具。在这个空旷的世界里，他终于可以借由追求她和真正的自己短暂地在一起。如果这个女人想要离开这段关系。他会使尽浑身解数去讨好，乞求甚至威胁，只为这个女人能留下。也许最开始，这个女人也和他一样，在他身上看到了一部分的自己，也欣喜万分于这份真爱。他们最开始幸福地在一起了。然而他们终将发现在这个空旷世界中，他所体验到的那种刻骨的孤单，那种无意义的孤单，其实并不会随着一个所谓爱的对象的出现而消失。于是他会离开这段关系，去找下一个帮助TA逃离的人。或者拼命地想要控制对方，让对方符合自己的想象。最终他一定会失望，感叹“若人生只如初见”。
其实，真的可以帮助自己在这个偌大世界里面对孤独，虚无的，是时时刻刻和自己的感受在一起，体验那些来来去去的想法和感受，全然接纳。弗洛姆在（爱的艺术）中说，爱是关心，了解，尊重，责任。而人本主义心理学之父罗杰斯强调爱是无条件地积极关注，共情，真诚。
在我心中，爱自己是我无条件地关心自己这仅有一次的生命的成长和发展，我想去了解自己的每一个起心动念，完全按照本来的面目去体会并接纳自己的每一个想法，感受，我对这些想法和感受背后的需求负责，我愿意一直和自己在一起，通过这些想法，感受，需求去探索自己真正想要成为的人，探索自己究竟想要如何过这一生。再“以终为始”，在每一个当下，每一天去为自己付出及享受这个为自己奋斗的过程。
我感受到，当我愿意真的去爱自己，我不会控制自己，当我和自己有了深切的联结，我才会有不控制任何一段关系的能力。你来，我愿意和你真诚分享，你走，我会失落，难过，但我自己的灵魂一直完整而丰盛，所以我接纳你自由地来去。很感激，生命中可以有这样美好的相遇.
Unexpectedly, I met someone by chance . We met each other’s soul. The things TA said about life are exactly what I thought. What TA did is exactly the source of joy in my past life . I can’t help getting closer to TA. The little child in my inner soul was so happy and wanted to tell TA : It is so nice to meet you . It turns out the world is not so lonely. We have so many places in common .”But my soul senses TA’s little child was not the same excited as mine and wanted to leave. At first , I was so sad and felt the humbleness of my soul being coldly treated. I even wants to force TA to realize my importance by never having any spiritual communication with TA anymore.
But after the two days of staying with myself to feel the pain of separation , the word “ control “ suddenly appeared in my mind , which made me suddenly being enlightened . It turns out that the source of all my pain is that I try to control the other person in the relationship. I don’t want TA to have the freedom to come or leave . I want to treat TA as the tools which meet my needs. I know any good relationship , regardless of family affection , friendship or romantic love, must be based on the premise of “ No control ”. What it the source of all relationship ? I think it is my relationship with myself .
I began to reflect on What it mean to love myself which I always advocated? What am I afraid of ? Am I afraid that I will go back to the bad state which I used to stay in the past ?
In the past ,I used to watch TV drama, browse various social news or use ti talk to avoid getting along with my true feelings . The development of modern technology allows the various social media to always send my favourite content to me according to my own preferences. I build for myself a spiritual word which fully conforms to my subconscious
model. So that I continue to consolidate the belief I held in the past everyday. I make the reality to serve my belief .
I letmyself
to be immersed in these beliefs . Whenever the facts don’t develop according to my belief , I experienced deep anxiety . In order to escape the anxiety , I put myself in using TI TALK , browsing social news and other kinds of fast -food information which doesn’t mean much to me . As a result I feel a kind of nihility and meaninglessness more often. This feeling maybe very similar to that of a womanizer who dates countless ladies. These women only can help him to escape from his own feelings for a while. So he can’t experience love but nihility. He might meet a lady who helped him to meeting himself one day . He was overjoyed and thought he met the truelove . He used the lady as a tool to help him to escape the nothingness again .In this empty world , he finally spent a short time with himself by pursuing her . If the lady wanted to leave , he would try his best to please her , beg her or threaten her to stay in the relationship. Maybe in the begging , the lady had the same feeling as him . She also found herself through their relationship and was overjoyed for this true love . But finally , they would realize the loneliness and nihility which they experienced won’t disappeared because of the other lover. They would want to end the relationship and try to find another person to help them to escape the loneliness and nothingness. Or they would try to make the partner to change to conform to their imagination . Eventually , they would be very disappointed and lamented: if the time can stop when we first met .
Actually , what really can help oneself to face the loneliness and nothingness is to be with one’s own feelings all the time , experience the thoughts and feelings which come and go and accept all of them . Erich Fromm said in << the art of love >> , love is caring , understanding , respecting and responsibility . Carl Ransom Rogers, the father of humanistic psychology emphasized love is unconditional active attention , empathy , sincerity .
In my heart, loving myself is that I unconditionally care the growth and development of my only one-time life . I will be with myself all the time . I want to understand and accept every thought and every feeling of myself . I will be responsible for all of the needs behind my thoughts and feelings. Though those thoughts, feelings and needs , I can explore what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life I want to live . Then “Start with the end “ in every moment , to pay for myself everyday and enjoy the process of fighting for myself
I feel that when I really practice to love myself , I won’t control myself . Only when I have the deep connection with myself can I have the ability not to control any relationship .
If you come to my life , I’m willing to share with you sincerely. If you leave my life , I will be upset and sad. But my soul is always complete and abundant .So that I can accept you come or leave my life freely .
I’m so grateful that there is such beautiful encounter in my life !