试译: 《同志魔咒》

前天刚收到2018年加拿大格里芬诗歌奖入围诗人诗选。这首诗是加拿大本土诗人Billy-Ray Belcourt的作品，他获得了格里芬诗歌奖国内奖。试译，今后有时间再推敲和简评，欢迎批评指教。

《同志魔咒》

我掉进主观和客观之间的空地
并称之为一种可能性。
我说话时只有天花板在听。
有时它发牢骚。
如果我有名字，
那就用他嘴唇发出的声音命名。
我的语言里没有这个词。
有时候我奶奶哭
天塌下来了。
我给自己取名悲伤。
我把它刻进我的床架。
我是伪装者。
这是个档案。
成为故事是种伤害。
我是现实和虚构的疆界
它是鬼城。
你在梦里消失了我
你是通向四方同时无处可通的地图。
昨日是光学幻觉
我亲了陌生人并给他取了一个中名。
我称之为爱。
它刚好持续了二十分钟。
我追求那感觉。
也就是说:
我要几乎不存在。
几乎是我离天空最近的词
天堂是一虫洞。
我第一次在另一个男人的腋窝里找到它。
昨晚我生了一位女人，给她取名成为。
她是四个从萨省北部十到十四岁的克里部落女孩。
我们是自拍电影
被我不小心扔了出去。
其余剩下的全都显明
有人是这么死的。

Gay Incantations

by Billy-Ray Belcourt

i fall into the opening between subject and object
and call it a condition of possibility.
when i speak only the ceiling listens.
sometimes it moans.
if i have a name
let it be the sound his lips make.
there is no word in my language for this.
sometimes my kookum begins to cry
and a world falls out.
grieve is the name i give to myself.
i carve it into the bed frame.
i am make-believe.
this is an archive.
it hurts to be a story.
i am the boundary between reality and fiction.
it is a ghost town.
you dreamt me out of existence.
you are at once a map to nowhere and everywhere.
yesterday was an optical illusion.
i kiss a stranger and give him a middle name.
i call this love.
it lasts for exactly twenty minutes.
i chase after that feeling.
which is to say:
i want to almost not exist.
almost is the closest i can get to the sky.
heaven is a wormhole.
i first found it in another man’s armpit.
last night i gave birth to a woman and named her becoming.
she is four cree girls between the ages of 10 and 14 from northern saskatchewan.
we are a home movie
i threw out by accident.
all that is left is the signified.
people die that way.