- Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough
- Do you often put off handing in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
- Do you feel you must give more than 100% on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?
Perfectionism refers to self-defeating thoughts and behaviors associated with high and unrealistic goals.
Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen as desirable or even necessary for success. However, the desire to be perfect can deny you a sense of satisfaction and cause you to achieve far less than people with more realistic goals.
Perfectionism is not a healthy pursuit of excellence. There are big differences between perfectionists and healthy achievers or strivers.
Perfectionist versus Healthy striver
| Perfectionist | Healthy Striver |
|---|---|
| Sets standards beyond reach and reason | Sets high standards, but just beyond reach |
| Is never satisfied by anything less than perfection | Enjoys the process as well as outcome |
| Can become dysfunctionally depressed when experiences failure and disappointment | Bounces back from failure and disappointment quickly and with energy |
| Is preoccupied with the fear of failure and disapproval, This can deplete energy levels | Keeps normal anxiety and fear of failure and disapproval within bounds, uses them to create energy |
| Sees mistakes as evidence of unworthiness | Sees mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning |
| Becomes overly defensive when criticized | Reacts positively to helpful criticism |
Thoughts and feelings associated with perfectionism
A number of following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism
- Fear of failure
Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value
- Fear of making mistakes
Often equate mistakes with failure. In building their lives around avoiding mistakes, Perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow
- Fear of disapproval
If they let others see their flaws, often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval
- All or nothing thinking
Frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight-A student who receives a B might believe I am a total failure.
- Overemphasis on 'should', 'must' and 'ought'
Often live with an endless list of rigid rules for what they must accomplish. With the emphasis on how everything has to be done, perfectionists rarely listen to what they really feel like doing.
- Never good enough
Perfectionists tend to see others as achieving success with a min of effort, few errors, little emotional stress and max self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.
The Vicious Cycle of Procrastination
- You set an unreachable goal.
- You fail to meet this goal because the goal was impossible to begin with. Failure to reach it was always inevitable.
- The constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce your productivity and effectiveness.
- This leads you to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in low self-esteem and possible anxiety and depression.
- At this point you may give up completely on your original goal and set yourself another unrealistic goal, thinking"this time if only I try harder I will succeed". The vicious circle continues!
What to do about Perfectionism
The first step is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable. Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next step is to challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel perfectionism.
Overcoming perfectionism also requires courage, for it means accepting our imperfections and humanness. Here are several strategies to help you:
Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of trying to be perfect.
Being perfect cost us dearly. when you make your own list of costs and benefits, you may find that the costs are too great. You may discover that problems with relationships, excessive workaholism, eating+problems, and other compulsive behaviors (plus the accompanying anxiety, nervousness, feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism and so on) actually outweigh whatever advantages perfectionism holds for you.Increase your awareness of the self-critical nature of your all-or-nothing thoughts, and how they extend to other people in your life.
Learn to substitute more realistic, reasonable thoughts for your habitually critical ones. When you find yourself berating a less-than-perfect performance, whether your own or someone else's, force yourself to look at and acknowledge the good parts of that performance. Then ask yourself questions like these: Is it really as bad as I feel it is? how do other people see it? Is it a reasonably good performance for the person and circumstances involved?Learn how to deal with criticism.
perfectionists often view criticism as a personal attack, responding to it defensively. They may not see that others may just be giving them feedback about how they see it. Concentrate on being more objective about the criticism, and about yourself. If someone criticises you for making a mistake. acknowledge the mistake and remind yourself that is human to make mistakes.
Remind yourself that if you stop making mistakes, you also stop learning and growing. Once you no longer buy into the fallacy that humans must be perfect to be worthwhile, you won't feel so angry or defensive when you make a mistake. Criticism will then seem like a natural thing from which to learn, rather than something to be avoided at all costs.
Realistic goals
Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and needs and on what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.Modest improvements
Step by step, set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal, set your next goal beyond your present one.Try for less than 100%
Experiment with your standards for success. Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100% , try for 80%,60%. This will help you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.Focus on process
Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed doing the taskCheck your feelings
Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask yourself
"Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in this situation"Face your fears
Confront the fears that may be behind your perfectionism by asking yourself:
what am I afraid of? what is the worst thing that could happen?Learn from your mistakes
Recognise that many positive things can only be learned by making mistakes.
when you make a mistake ask:" what can I learn from this experience"
Think of a recent mistake, list all the things you can learn from it.Discriminate
Avoid all-or-nothing thinking in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate between the tasks you want to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort.