perfectionism;从失败中获取价值。成功的次数=失败的次数。一次惨败成为了人生的转折点。和别人不同的是:利用已经发生的事情,把其视为机会,学习的经历,一块垫脚石,失败对于适应力与完善人格的作用。
schema: an internal representation of the world ;内心对世界的看法,描述,describe;an organization of concepts and actions that can be revised by new information about the world;对外界信息的重组得到的观念以及行动。
完美主义的定义:
一种充斥在我们生活中对失败的失能性恐惧,尤其是我们最在意的方面;对失败的恐惧 是人类的天性,但是对失败的失能性畏惧是一种让我们面对问题时,停滞不前的畏惧。
an incapacitating fear of failure that permeates our lives,especially those areas that we care about most. incapacitaing:it is not just a fear of failure;an incapacitating fear of failure is the failure that is debilitating us,that stops us, that prevents us form coping ,form trying ,from putting ourselves on the line.
example:从A到B的的旅途中,采取的一种方式。一个卓有成就的人可以和完美主义的人一样,甚至更有野心。
两者的区别在于面对旅途的方式(their approach toward the journey):
完美主义的人:认知和感知如何从A到B :直线 (捷径,直接马上能到到B点 有这样的想法,并且又 not enjoying failure,导致的结果:难以接受现实而感到沮丧 have frustration of not accepting reality ;
另外卓越的人:一开始就知道在A到B的过程中会遇到困难,会犯错,才会到达B.
incapaciate:to deprive of ability, qualification, or strength; make incapable or unfit; disable.
完美主义的人:
- 面对批评,defensiveness(自卫性);不喜欢和我们想象的直线路径的思维模型有偏差。
- 完美主义者只注意到了半杯水里空的那一部分,因为他被失败所困扰(is obsessed by failure)被直线完美方式的偏离所困扰(obssessed by deviations from that sraight narrow)
- 关注潜在的可能失败或者已经发生的失败(potential failures or actual failures)
- perfectionist over generalizes,catastrophizes 完美主义者过渡一般化,夸大化问题;非黑即白,我要么完美,要么一无是处(it's all or nothing,either i'm perpect,or i'm a failure);versus realistc造成的后果
- 对于完美主义者来说,是没有自我接受的;for perfectionist,there is no self-acceptance.
- 完美主义者认为:只有只有一种不变的,没有任何提升空间的,没有丝毫偏差的,没有问题,没有错误的方式是合适的,能够接受的,而不是更为动态的,更有弹性与自发性的过程和旅途。
- 恐惧失败,自己讲自己视为失败者的失败,也恐惧别人将自己视为失败者。为了维持那种完美的幻觉(keeping that fade,that image of impregnability of perfection.)而不是将失败视为反馈(versus failure as feedback; )
- 只是想着如何到达目标终点,只关注这个目标。
- 完美主义只会感到短暂的放松,他们只会感到持续的压力「bingo,命中要害」 perfectionist experences only,at best,temporary relief.there are constant pressure but when he get to point B,then they feel relief.这是典型的逐利者(一个一直在追求上好学校的X man,持续的压力以及短暂的放松(得到他真的想要的,他真正所期待的东西,却只高兴,兴奋了一两个星期happy,feels good,ecstatic『i finally made it』继续努力工作,奋力拼搏,但是再努力一点,再忍受多一点痛苦,然后就会有真正的回报「works hard,stuggles,don't really enjoy his work,but say,'just another push,a little bit more pain,and then the real gain'」)。会很不开心。 this is the life of the rat racer -at best ; rat race:leaving a job or way of life in which people compete aggressively with each other to be successful)。constantly stressed.continues to struggle,feels on top of the world,happy,stress return.
- 仅仅为了获得到达终点的成功,只关注到失败,而不是旅途中每一个可能成功的机会,即使是在失败中。
- perfect(all) or nothing.在生活中很多,都不需要完美主义。这会让生活disorder混乱失控,对生活各个层面的破坏性极大 so much on so many levels hurts self-esteem.这回伤到自尊。
- 自尊的第一个基础就是自我接受 the first pillar of self-esteem is self-acceptance.完美主义者是不接受自我的,aperfectionist does not accept himself.
- 完美主义者总会遇到长期并且不可避免的失败,there is constant ,invevitable failure for a perfectionist.因为根本就没有 perfect person.如果我持续的失败,并且视自己为为失败者,if I constantly fail or constantly perceive myself as a failure ,怎么可能有高的自尊。
- 完美主义者容易自尊心受伤的原因在于他们更不愿意尝试,less likely to try ,less like to put himself on the line. 如果我不去尝试,那么就会有更低的自尊了。
- 完美主义者还会hurt relationship:
- defensiveness.自卫性,一直处于自卫性的状态。如果我不能接受或者处理批评,或者对我的反对意见,我就很难和别人形成亲密关系。criticism. 希望自己对世界的看法和别人对自己的看法一样。 我期待的是完美的,身边的人也应该和我一样。 切身体会 flaw
- 失望inevitably disappointted-沮丧frustration-不认可lack of acceptance toward the partner.
- 完美主义导致焦虑和压力 (leads to anxiety and stress);总会有对失败的恐惧而不是兴奋「创造性张力」(always a fear of failure versus excitement 「creative tension」)
- 不会享受持续性的成长(就是每一个小的进步)does not enjoy sustainable approach to growth.
- 原因;不允许调整和偏离 there no places for recovery ,not places for deviation ;everything is static.
- 只有固有动力 intrinsic motivation.不变
- 完美主义让人瘫软 perfectionism spells paralysis.
- 当我们被失败所困扰时,我们就更加不会付出行动 when we are so obsessed with failure,we are much less likely to act
- 完美主义(对失败的失能性畏惧;注意不是畏惧困难,而是畏惧失败)是耽误事情(拖延)的最主要原因之一;我们不行动,就不会失败了。 one of the primary causes of procrastination is perfectionism. the incapcitating fear of failure.we don't act,we don't fail.
- perfectionism is the enemy of creativity.完美主义是创造力的敌人。
- constantly thinking about what if i fail.
- source of perfectionism:
- most imprtant one is conditioning 社会影响(也就是身边人给我们的压力:结果导向)
- the schema that we internalize ,that's being reinforced constantly form almost the time when we were born-that what matters is the destination.when we get to a certain destination,it's the destination that's reworded. 烙印在我们心里,从小就给我们灌输的一些观念:结果最重要,有成果才是真正重要的,只有我们的得到成果才有奖励;我们逐步内化了这种思维方式:internalize this schema;
- 不会在旅途中得到 not during the journey,the journey goes unrewarded.整个旅途都是没有奖励的。
- 整个社会悟无孔不入的灌输:结果最重要。
b. 不是所有的赞美都是好的,从长期来看也许是坏的。what illustrates is that not all praise is good. 过程赞美以及结果赞美。
- 时间管理:
20%的时间完成80%的工作
20%的注意力放在重要的事情上,然后把80%的工作做好。
criticism:disapproval,judgment
卓越的人:
- 面对批评,即使是他不喜欢的,但会意识到这些批评也是成长和发展的重要部分,a person committed to excellence is open,is welcoming of suggestions and criticisms at times.
- 欢迎接受建议和批评,异见(但并不代表他enjoys it ,understands that is an important part of growth,of devlopment);
- 关注杯子里已经满了一半的部分,因为他享受达成目标(but also learns to enjoy every step of the way-the journey ),即使是失败也是机遇。
- 可以接受现实中各种弯路,而没有各种一步登天的捷径,能够接受个人的失败。there is acceptance first of all of reality as comprising spirals,rather than a straight line,acceptance of personal failure.
- 将失败视为一种反馈和成长的机会seeing it more as feedback,a groth opportunity.同样也是不享受失败的。
- 旅途和终点都是成功的一部分 the journey is much part of the success as the destination
- a person committed to excellence does not give up on being ambitious(一个优秀的人 并不会放弃自己的雄心,同样也不会放弃整个旅途)give up on the journey. not give up the outcome,they acually reach higher levels of performance.往往能获得更高的成就。
- 能够享受每天的旅途。并不是仅仅为了获得到达终点的成功
- 会发现旅途中每一步都有成功的机会 there possibility of success every step of the way. even in failue.
- 更愿意去尝试
- 好的关系也包含了不和,失望和争吵(disagreements,disappointments,fights)人际关系会随着时间变得更加稳固(stronger over time)
- 更加快乐,同时在工作上的成就以及人际关系,生活上的成就更大
- 原因1: 享受更加持续的成长enjoys much more sustainable approach to growth; 允许有所偏差,有所中断,有调整(deviations,breaks ,recoveries.);
- 前进的动力更加强劲。higher intrinsic motivation.
- 有更高的自尊 self-esteem ;
- 自我知觉 self concept is destiny.
- 信念会变成自我实现预言。 beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies.
-如果我相信自己,如果我认为自己能成功,如果我的过去有跌倒之后,又爬起来的经历,那我就更有可能成功 if i believe in myself, if i think i can succeed,if i have the track record to show that i get up after falling down, i'm much more likely to succeed over time.
- 比别人有更多运气的原因 就是尝试新事情,小事情。one of the causes of having more luck in our lives is to try new things ,little things,different.你能看到以前没有看到的东西。
- 历史上最有创造性的人物都不是perfectionists.
- 享受过程 enjoy processes.
如何克服完美主义:
- selft-awareness 自我感知。感知自己对失败的恐惧。first step is awareness.
- second step:focus on a reward effort. focusing on journey .active acceptance 专注于过程有回报的努力,而不是简单的一个目标结果;专注于旅途;积极接受。完美主义是一直都伴随的。接受它的存在。
- learn to fail or fail to learn.
ask yourself now-'what kind of life do I want for myself' 我到底需要想要什么样的生活?