positive psychology 15-perfectionism 笔记

perfectionism;从失败中获取价值。成功的次数=失败的次数。一次惨败成为了人生的转折点。和别人不同的是:利用已经发生的事情,把其视为机会,学习的经历,一块垫脚石,失败对于适应力与完善人格的作用。

schema: an internal representation of the world ;内心对世界的看法,描述,describe;an organization of concepts and actions that can be revised by new information about the world;对外界信息的重组得到的观念以及行动。

完美主义的定义:
一种充斥在我们生活中对失败的失能性恐惧,尤其是我们最在意的方面;对失败的恐惧 是人类的天性,但是对失败的失能性畏惧是一种让我们面对问题时,停滞不前的畏惧。
an incapacitating fear of failure that permeates our lives,especially those areas that we care about most. incapacitaing:it is not just a fear of failure;an incapacitating fear of failure is the failure that is debilitating us,that stops us, that prevents us form coping ,form trying ,from putting ourselves on the line.

example:从A到B的的旅途中,采取的一种方式。一个卓有成就的人可以和完美主义的人一样,甚至更有野心。
两者的区别在于面对旅途的方式(their approach toward the journey):
完美主义的人:认知和感知如何从A到B :直线 (捷径,直接马上能到到B点 有这样的想法,并且又 not enjoying failure,导致的结果:难以接受现实而感到沮丧 have frustration of not accepting reality ;
另外卓越的人:一开始就知道在A到B的过程中会遇到困难,会犯错,才会到达B.

incapaciate:to deprive of ability, qualification, or strength; make incapable or unfit; disable.

完美主义的人:

  1. 面对批评,defensiveness(自卫性);不喜欢和我们想象的直线路径的思维模型有偏差。
    • 完美主义者只注意到了半杯水里空的那一部分,因为他被失败所困扰(is obsessed by failure)被直线完美方式的偏离所困扰(obssessed by deviations from that sraight narrow)
    • 关注潜在的可能失败或者已经发生的失败(potential failures or actual failures)
    • perfectionist over generalizes,catastrophizes 完美主义者过渡一般化,夸大化问题;非黑即白,我要么完美,要么一无是处(it's all or nothing,either i'm perpect,or i'm a failure);versus realistc造成的后果
    • 对于完美主义者来说,是没有自我接受的;for perfectionist,there is no self-acceptance.
    • 完美主义者认为:只有只有一种不变的,没有任何提升空间的,没有丝毫偏差的,没有问题,没有错误的方式是合适的,能够接受的,而不是更为动态的,更有弹性与自发性的过程和旅途。
    • 恐惧失败,自己讲自己视为失败者的失败,也恐惧别人将自己视为失败者。为了维持那种完美的幻觉(keeping that fade,that image of impregnability of perfection.)而不是将失败视为反馈(versus failure as feedback; )
    • 只是想着如何到达目标终点,只关注这个目标。
  2. 完美主义只会感到短暂的放松,他们只会感到持续的压力「bingo,命中要害」 perfectionist experences only,at best,temporary relief.there are constant pressure but when he get to point B,then they feel relief.这是典型的逐利者(一个一直在追求上好学校的X man,持续的压力以及短暂的放松(得到他真的想要的,他真正所期待的东西,却只高兴,兴奋了一两个星期happy,feels good,ecstatic『i finally made it』继续努力工作,奋力拼搏,但是再努力一点,再忍受多一点痛苦,然后就会有真正的回报「works hard,stuggles,don't really enjoy his work,but say,'just another push,a little bit more pain,and then the real gain'」)。会很不开心。 this is the life of the rat racer -at best ; rat race:leaving a job or way of life in which people compete aggressively with each other to be successful)。constantly stressed.continues to struggle,feels on top of the world,happy,stress return.
  3. 仅仅为了获得到达终点的成功,只关注到失败,而不是旅途中每一个可能成功的机会,即使是在失败中。
  4. perfect(all) or nothing.在生活中很多,都不需要完美主义。这会让生活disorder混乱失控,对生活各个层面的破坏性极大 so much on so many levels hurts self-esteem.这回伤到自尊。
    • 自尊的第一个基础就是自我接受 the first pillar of self-esteem is self-acceptance.完美主义者是不接受自我的,aperfectionist does not accept himself.
    • 完美主义者总会遇到长期并且不可避免的失败,there is constant ,invevitable failure for a perfectionist.因为根本就没有 perfect person.如果我持续的失败,并且视自己为为失败者,if I constantly fail or constantly perceive myself as a failure ,怎么可能有高的自尊。
    • 完美主义者容易自尊心受伤的原因在于他们更不愿意尝试,less likely to try ,less like to put himself on the line. 如果我不去尝试,那么就会有更低的自尊了。
    1. 完美主义者还会hurt relationship:
    • defensiveness.自卫性,一直处于自卫性的状态。如果我不能接受或者处理批评,或者对我的反对意见,我就很难和别人形成亲密关系。criticism. 希望自己对世界的看法和别人对自己的看法一样。 我期待的是完美的,身边的人也应该和我一样。 切身体会 flaw
      • 失望inevitably disappointted-沮丧frustration-不认可lack of acceptance toward the partner.
  5. 完美主义导致焦虑和压力 (leads to anxiety and stress);总会有对失败的恐惧而不是兴奋「创造性张力」(always a fear of failure versus excitement 「creative tension」)
  6. 不会享受持续性的成长(就是每一个小的进步)does not enjoy sustainable approach to growth.
    • 原因;不允许调整和偏离 there no places for recovery ,not places for deviation ;everything is static.
    • 只有固有动力 intrinsic motivation.不变
  7. 完美主义让人瘫软 perfectionism spells paralysis.
    • 当我们被失败所困扰时,我们就更加不会付出行动 when we are so obsessed with failure,we are much less likely to act
    • 完美主义(对失败的失能性畏惧;注意不是畏惧困难,而是畏惧失败)是耽误事情(拖延)的最主要原因之一;我们不行动,就不会失败了。 one of the primary causes of procrastination is perfectionism. the incapcitating fear of failure.we don't act,we don't fail.
  8. perfectionism is the enemy of creativity.完美主义是创造力的敌人。
  9. constantly thinking about what if i fail.
  10. source of perfectionism:
    • most imprtant one is conditioning 社会影响(也就是身边人给我们的压力:结果导向)
    • the schema that we internalize ,that's being reinforced constantly form almost the time when we were born-that what matters is the destination.when we get to a certain destination,it's the destination that's reworded. 烙印在我们心里,从小就给我们灌输的一些观念:结果最重要,有成果才是真正重要的,只有我们的得到成果才有奖励;我们逐步内化了这种思维方式:internalize this schema;
      • 不会在旅途中得到 not during the journey,the journey goes unrewarded.整个旅途都是没有奖励的。
      • 整个社会悟无孔不入的灌输:结果最重要。
        b. 不是所有的赞美都是好的,从长期来看也许是坏的。what illustrates is that not all praise is good. 过程赞美以及结果赞美。
  • 时间管理:
    20%的时间完成80%的工作
    20%的注意力放在重要的事情上,然后把80%的工作做好。

criticism:disapproval,judgment

卓越的人:

  1. 面对批评,即使是他不喜欢的,但会意识到这些批评也是成长和发展的重要部分,a person committed to excellence is open,is welcoming of suggestions and criticisms at times.
    • 欢迎接受建议和批评,异见(但并不代表他enjoys it ,understands that is an important part of growth,of devlopment);
    • 关注杯子里已经满了一半的部分,因为他享受达成目标(but also learns to enjoy every step of the way-the journey ),即使是失败也是机遇。
    • 可以接受现实中各种弯路,而没有各种一步登天的捷径,能够接受个人的失败。there is acceptance first of all of reality as comprising spirals,rather than a straight line,acceptance of personal failure.
    • 将失败视为一种反馈和成长的机会seeing it more as feedback,a groth opportunity.同样也是不享受失败的。
    • 旅途和终点都是成功的一部分 the journey is much part of the success as the destination
  2. a person committed to excellence does not give up on being ambitious(一个优秀的人 并不会放弃自己的雄心,同样也不会放弃整个旅途)give up on the journey. not give up the outcome,they acually reach higher levels of performance.往往能获得更高的成就。
  3. 能够享受每天的旅途。并不是仅仅为了获得到达终点的成功
  4. 会发现旅途中每一步都有成功的机会 there possibility of success every step of the way. even in failue.
  5. 更愿意去尝试
  6. 好的关系也包含了不和,失望和争吵(disagreements,disappointments,fights)人际关系会随着时间变得更加稳固(stronger over time)
  7. 更加快乐,同时在工作上的成就以及人际关系,生活上的成就更大
    • 原因1: 享受更加持续的成长enjoys much more sustainable approach to growth; 允许有所偏差,有所中断,有调整(deviations,breaks ,recoveries.);
    • 前进的动力更加强劲。higher intrinsic motivation.
  8. 有更高的自尊 self-esteem ;
    • 自我知觉 self concept is destiny.
    • 信念会变成自我实现预言。 beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies.
      -如果我相信自己,如果我认为自己能成功,如果我的过去有跌倒之后,又爬起来的经历,那我就更有可能成功 if i believe in myself, if i think i can succeed,if i have the track record to show that i get up after falling down, i'm much more likely to succeed over time.
  9. 比别人有更多运气的原因 就是尝试新事情,小事情。one of the causes of having more luck in our lives is to try new things ,little things,different.你能看到以前没有看到的东西。
  10. 历史上最有创造性的人物都不是perfectionists.
  11. 享受过程 enjoy processes.

如何克服完美主义:

  1. selft-awareness 自我感知。感知自己对失败的恐惧。first step is awareness.
  2. second step:focus on a reward effort. focusing on journey .active acceptance 专注于过程有回报的努力,而不是简单的一个目标结果;专注于旅途;积极接受。完美主义是一直都伴随的。接受它的存在。
  3. learn to fail or fail to learn.

ask yourself now-'what kind of life do I want for myself' 我到底需要想要什么样的生活?

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