从被控制者的角度来看，这种什么事都要纠正别人一下的做法非常荒诞，但从控制者的角度看，那又会是什么样的情况呢？
也有作为控制者的网友讲了他们的内在历程：
1.昨天晚上煲银耳汤，我忘记加水，直接炖上了，还好是电压力锅，没有焦。但是发现的一刹那，我感觉自己要崩溃了，而且老公过来说了一句“你真牛”，我简直悲愤交加，有一种完全失控的感觉，我觉得自己犯了很大的错误。
2.多年前我去菜市场买桃子，回家打开一看，惊呆了。明明自己挑的鲜美的大桃子，可是一眼看过去里面全部是烂的黑乎乎的流着水的破桃子，被调包了。我第一反应是吓到了，哭了起来，觉得全世界都黑暗了。男朋友却觉得没必要反应那么大。这也是世界崩塌的感觉吧。
3.我家每次出现水管漏水、马桶堵塞、灯泡坏等问题时，我都会有一种很深的崩溃感！现在明白了，那就是控制欲，失控就是灭亡。
这三个例子，能看到一些共同点：任何失控，不管事情大小，他们都会感觉到崩溃，并且，崩溃有两个层面：外界似乎崩溃了，自己的内心也崩溃了；此外，他们会有严重的自我攻击。
外界崩溃，是内在崩溃投射出去的结果。内在崩溃，用自体心理学的话来说，即自我瓦解的体验。这是最可怕的体验之一。
所以可以看到，任何失控都像地震般，所以控制者会尽一切可能让事情尽快恢复控制，而所谓控制，也就是——事情和他们想象的是一样的。这不可避免地会导致他们对别人的控制。
控制者的内心，其实停留在婴儿早期的发展水平上。
如果没有妈妈，婴儿什么事都做不了，任何挑战，对他们来说都是失控。所以，婴儿身边必须有一个抚养者，最好是妈妈，当婴儿有需要时，妈妈可以满足他，当婴儿感觉要崩溃时，有妈妈的怀抱在围裹着他。这样的体验有充分累积，婴儿就会真切体验到，事情基本在掌控中，即便有失控，他也不会跌落到虚空中，相反，会跌落到妈妈的怀抱里。
但如果身边没有妈妈或任何抚养者，婴儿的失控就意味着彻底的无助与破碎，于是当外界崩溃时，他们的自我也有瓦解感——我什么都对付不了，我太差了…
就这样，控制者学会了自我攻击。
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