I found myself losing interest in almost everything
我突然发现自己几乎对所有事情都失去了兴趣
I didn't want to do any of the things I had previously wanted to do
甚至不愿去做那些曾经我很想去做的事情
and I didn't know why
我不知道为什么
The opposite of depression is not happiness，but vitality
抑郁的反面，并非快乐而是活力
Everything there was to do seemed like too much work
所有需要完成的事情都感觉那么麻烦
and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine
看着电话留言上闪烁的红灯
and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friend
我不但不会因为听到朋友们的声音感到兴奋
I would think.”what a lot people that is to have to call back“
我反而会想 “怎么会有这么多人等着我回电话”
or I would decide I should have lunch
有时该吃午饭了
and then I would think，but I'd have to get the food out
我却开始想，我还得把食物拿出来
and put it on plate，and cut it up and chew it and swallow it
放到盘子里，得切，得嚼，得咽
and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross
让我感觉像耶稣受难一样
And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression
人们在讨论抑郁时时常忽略了一点
is that you konw it's ridiculous
那就是你知道这一切都很荒谬
You know that most people manage
你知道大多数人都可以让自己
to listen to their messages and eat lunch、
去听语音留言，去吃午餐
and organize themselves to talk a shower and go the front door
紧接着让自己冲个澡然后出门
and that it's not a big deal
你知道这根本不是什么大不了的事情
and yet you are nonetheless in it's grip
然而你已经被他掌控
and you are unable to fagure out any way around it
并且无法找到任何解决的方式
and thinking less and feeling less
思考得越来越少 感知得越来越少
it was a kind of nullity
好像整个人已经没什么价值了
and then the anxiety set in
紧接着焦虑就来了
it was the feeling you have if you're walking
就好像你走在路上
and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you
滑倒了或者绊倒了地面猛冲向你的感觉
but instead of lasting half a second the way that does
但这种感觉不是半秒钟
it lasted for six months
而是持续6个月
It's a sensation of being afraid all the time
这是一种时时刻刻感到恐惧
but not even knowing what it is that you're afaid of
却不知道自己在惧怕什么的感觉
And it was at that point that I began to think
就在那时我开始想
that it was just too painful to be alive
活着太痛苦了
You don't think in depression that you're put on a gray veil
你没有意识到自己抑郁，但是你已经戴上了一层灰色的面纱
and are seeing the world through the haze of a bad mood
并且是透过这层坏情绪的薄纱来看待这个世界的
You think that the veil has been taken away，the veil of happiness
你认为是快乐的面纱被摘掉了
and that now you're seeing truly
这样你可以看得更加真实
A lot of the time
许多时候
what they are expressing is not illness，but insight
困扰他们的不是疾病本身，而是对一些事实的偏执
and one comes to think what's really extraordinary
他们会对一些事实超乎常人的在意
Depression is so exhausting
抑郁让人精疲力尽
It takes up so much of your time and energy
它会消耗掉你几乎全部的时间和精力
and silence about it
而对此保持沉默
it really does make the depression worse
只会让抑郁的症状变得更加严重
There are there things people tend to confuse
有三种东西是人们容易混淆的
depression，grief and sadness
抑郁，悲伤，难过
grief is explicit reactive
悲伤是一种明确的反应
if you have a loss and you feel incredibly unhappy
如果你遭遇了不幸并感到极度不快乐
and then，six months later
紧接着六个月以后
you are still deeply sad，but you're functioning a little better
你还是非常难过，但是生活大致正常了
it's probably grief
这很有可能是悲伤
and it will probably ultimately resolve itself in some measure
而且他很有可能在最终一定程度的自我恢复
if you experience a catastrophic loss
如果你经历了一次灾难性的打击
and you feel terrible
然后感到非常糟糕
and six months later you can barely function at all
并且六个月之后你依然无法正常生活
then it's probably a depression that was triggered
那么你很有可能就是抑郁了
people think of depression as being just sadness
人们往往以为抑郁只是难过而已
it's much，much too much sadness，much too much grief
只是太多太多的难过，太多的太多的悲伤，起因却微不足道
As set to understand depression
当我开始着手了解抑郁
and to interview people who had experience
并且采访那些有过这样经历的人时
I found that there were people who seemed，on the surface
我发现有些人
to have what sounded like relatively mild depression
好像是比较轻微的抑郁
who were nonetheless utterly disabled by it
却已经因此彻底丧失行为能力了
the opposite of depression is not happiness
抑郁的反面不是快乐
but vitality
而是活力
and that the only reason not to kill oneself
人不自杀的唯一原因
was so as not to hurt other people
是因为不想伤害身边的人
Depression is the flaw in love
抑郁是爱的附属品