按：本文是《纽约客》2月刊中的一篇短篇小说及译文，语言简单却很有意思，寥寥几笔就让一个在家工作的Loser（撸Sir）形象跃然纸上。其实，我们一人在家时都或多或少经历过主人公的困境——衣着随意、不修边幅、乱吃东西、工作拖拉、三心二意、心猿意马、缺乏锻炼等等。谨以此文献给所有在家工作以及想在家工作的自由职业者们，以此为鉴。记得少看猫鼬视频……
I Work from Home
By Colin Nissan
February 2, 2017
911 OPERATOR: 911—what’s your emergency?
ROBERT: Hi, I . . . uh . . . I work from home.
OPERATOR: O.K., is anyone else there with you, sir?
ROBERT: No, I’m alone.
OPERATOR: And when’s the last time you saw someone else? Was that today?
ROBERT: Uh, my wife . . . this morning, I guess.
OPERATOR: Anyone else?
ROBERT: I don’t think so. Well, the mailman, but that was through the blinds. I don’t know if that counts.
OPERATOR: I’m afraid not. (Pause.) I’m going to ask you to open the blinds, O.K.? Let’s go ahead and let some light in.
ROBERT: How much light??
OPERATOR: Just a little is fine.
ROBERT: O.K. (Pause.) I did it. (Pause.) It’s bright. It feels so bright on my face.
OPERATOR: That’s good. That’s how it’s supposed to feel. (Pause.) I need you to tell me what you’re wearing, O.K.?
ROBERT: You know . . . just regular clothes.
OPERATOR: Outside clothes or inside clothes?
ROBERT: Hold on, I’ll check. (Pause.) Pajamas. I’m wearing my pajamas. I could swear I’d changed into regular . . . I thought these were jeans!
OPERATOR: It’s O.K., sir. Calm down.
ROBERT: Wait, this isn’t even a shirt. It’s just my skin! Goddammit.
OPERATOR: So just pajama bottoms, then. Can we assume that you haven’t showered today?
ROBERT: I don’t know.
OPERATOR: I need you to walk over to the bathroom to see if your towel is damp. O.K.? Can you do that for me?
ROBERT: I think so.
OPERATOR: Great.
ROBERT: I’m walking over there. (Pause.) O.K., I’m here. I’m in the bathroom. I see my towel . . . .
(Muffled sobs.)
OPERATOR: Sir?
ROBERT: It’s dry.
OPERATOR: O.K., that’s O.K. Let’s get you back over to the window where the light is, all right? Walk toward the light. (Pause.) What’s your name, sir?
ROBERT: Robert.
OPERATOR: Hi, Robert. I’m Cherise.
ROBERT: Hi, Cherise.
OPERATOR: You did the right thing by calling today, Robert. I’m going to get some people over there soon to help you, O.K.? And I’ll stay with you on the phone until they get there. Do you understand?
ROBERT: I think so.
OPERATOR: Now, Robert, did you eat anything today?
ROBERT: Yes. Many times.
OPERATOR: Are you eating now, Robert?
ROBERT: I keep putting things in my mouth a lot.
OPERATOR: O.K., can you tell me what food you’ve eaten today?
ROBERT: You mean everything?
OPERATOR: Yes.
ROBERT: I don’t know exactly. I mean, I started out with breakfast before my wife left for work . . . scrambled eggs with toast and coffee . . . and then I think I maybe had a bowl of cereal when she left.
OPERATOR: Is that it?
ROBERT: Like an hour or so later . . . I had a banana with peanut butter.
OPERATOR: Did you slice the banana?
ROBERT: No. I dipped it right into the jar, because no one was watching. (Pause.) No one watches.
OPERATOR: So no plate or anything?
ROBERT: No.
OPERATOR: And that was it until lunch?
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ROBERT: No.
OPERATOR: What else did you have?
ROBERT: I made a quesadilla . . . another bowl of cereal, I think . . . and some pretzels, the flat ones that are like chips. I love those.
OPERATOR: Those are good. (Pause.) And did you have lunch after that or was that lunch?
ROBERT: (Pause.) I remember ham . . . lots of ham.
OPERATOR: In a sandwich?
ROBERT: No. No sandwich. Just ham pieces. (Pause.) There were also some . . . spoonfuls of chocolate frosting, two or three . . . green peppers, I think, and yogurt. A large tub of yogurt. Peach.
OPERATOR: O.K., Robert, you understand that what you just described isn’t really lunch, right?
ROBERT: It is lunch. When there are no rules, it is lunch, Cherise!
OPERATOR: Did you at any point dip the green peppers in the peach yogurt?
ROBERT: Probably. Sorry.
OPERATOR: That’s O.K. (Pause.) Now, Robert, did you get any work done today?
ROBERT: I don’t think so. I was supposed to make a deck for a meeting and I . . . I started it . . . I started the deck.
OPERATOR: And then you stopped?
ROBERT: The Internet has fun things for me to do . . . so I did them. (Pause.) I think I played some guitar, too . . . oh, and I separated all the dimes from my change jar, which took a while.
OPERATOR: Why did you do that?
ROBERT: I have four hundred and seventy-nine dimes.
OPERATOR: (Pause.) Anything else?
ROBERT: Then I got sucked into watching a YouTube video about meerkats.
OPERATOR: A documentary?
ROBERT: Yeah. (Pause.) And then that led me to . . . other videos . . . that weren’t documentaries. . . . It’s not important.
OPERATOR: So you started to watch pornography?
ROBERT: Yes.
OPERATOR: You went from meerkats straight to pornography?
ROBERT: That’s right, yeah.
OPERATOR: (Pause.) And how long did you spend watching videos?
ROBERT: It doesn’t matter because I make my own schedule . . . you know? (Pause.) Cherise?
OPERATOR: I understand. Now, since you didn’t get any work done, do you think you may have exercised today?
ROBERT: I don’t remember. . . . It’s possible, I guess.
OPERATOR: Can you look around the house for me and tell me if you see any signs that you may have exercised? Sneakers, gym shorts, ThighMaster? Anything.
ROBERT: Uh . . . I don’t see anything, I don’t think. (Pause.) Wait, I see a yoga mat.
OPERATOR: Oh, O.K., good. Is it your yoga mat?
ROBERT: No.
(Sounds of hysterical sobbing.)
OPERATOR: Robert? I need you to stay with me, O.K.? The E.M.T.s should be there shortly, and I’m going to need you to let them in. Can you do that?
ROBERT: O.K.
OPERATOR: You mentioned a meeting earlier. What time is your meeting today, Robert?
ROBERT: Four-thirty.
OPERATOR: O.K., well, the E.M.T.s are going to help you get that deck ready and get you showered and changed.
ROBERT: It’s just a conference call.
OPERATOR: Regardless. And they’ll help tidy things up around there before your wife gets back, O.K., Robert?
ROBERT: Thank you.
OPERATOR: But, until they get there, no more eating and no more meerkat videos, O.K.?
(Silence.)
ROBERT: I work from home.
OPERATOR: Shh-shh-shh . . . I know you do.
911接线员：911 - 您有什么紧急情况？
罗伯特：嗨，我。 。 。呃。 。 。我在家工作。
接线员：哦，有人和你在一起吗，先生？
罗伯特：不，我一个人。
接线员：上次你看到别人是什么时候？是今天吗？
罗伯特：呃，我的妻子。 。 。今天早上，我猜。
接线员：还有人吗？
罗伯特：我想没了。好吧，还有邮递员，但那是通过百叶窗看到的。我不知道这是否算。
接线员：恐怕不能算。 （暂停。）我现在要求你打开百叶窗，好吗？让我们继续，让一些光进来。
罗伯特：多少光？
接线员：一点点就好。
罗伯特：哦。 （暂停。）我打开了。 （暂停。）很亮。我的脸感觉很亮。
接线员：很好。这就是你应该有的感觉。 （暂停。）我需要你告诉我你穿的是什么，好吗？
罗伯特：你知道。 。 。只是普通的衣服。
接线员：外衣还是内衣？
ROBERT：稍等，我看一下。 （暂停。）睡衣。我穿着我的睡衣。我可以发誓我换上了普通的衣服。 。 。我以为这些是牛仔裤！
接线员：没关系，先生。冷静。
罗伯特：等等，这都不是衬衫。这只是我的皮肤！该死。
接线员：那么，所以只是睡衣裤。我们可以假设你今天没有洗澡吗？
罗伯特：我不知道。
接线员：我需要你走到浴室看看你的毛巾是否潮湿。好吗？你能为我做这个吗？
罗伯特：我想我可以的。
接线员：太好了。
罗伯特：我在朝那里走。 （暂停。）好，我到了。我在浴室。我看到我的毛巾。 。 。 。
（听不太清楚的啜泣声）。
接线员：先生？
罗伯特：毛巾是干的。
接线员：好，没关系。让我们回到有光的窗户旁边，好吗？走向亮光。 （暂停。）你叫什么名字，先生？
罗伯特：罗伯特。
接线员：嗨，罗伯特。我是切丽丝。
ROBERT：嗨，切丽丝。
接线员：你今天打电话是一件正确的事，罗伯特。我会找一些人很快去你那帮助你，好吗？我会留在这和你通话直到他们到你那儿。你明白吗？
罗伯特：我想没问题。
接线员：现在，罗伯特，你今天吃了什么吗？
罗伯特：是的。很多次。
接线员：你现在在吃吗，罗伯特？
罗伯特：我一直在把很多东西放到嘴里。
接线员：哦，你能告诉我今天吃了什么食物吗？
罗伯特：你是说所有食物吗？
接线员：是的。
罗伯特：我不知道。我的意思是，我在我妻子离开家去工作前开始吃早餐，。 。 。吐司加炒蛋和咖啡。 。 。然后当她走的时候我想我可能吃了一碗麦片。
接线员：是吗？
罗伯特：大约一个小时左右之后。 。 。我吃了一根香蕉加花生酱。
接线员：你切了香蕉吗？
罗伯特：不，我直接用它蘸罐子里的花生酱，因为没有人在看。 （暂停。）没有人看。
接线员：所以没有碟子或任何东西？
罗伯特：不。
接线员：直到午餐前只吃了这些吗？
罗伯特：不。
接线员：你还吃了什么？
罗伯特：我做了一个墨西哥玉米饼。 。 。一碗麦片，我想。 。 。和一些脆饼干，像薯片一样扁平的那种。我爱那些吃的。
接线员：那些是好东西。 （暂停。）之后你吃过午饭吗还是那就是午饭？
罗伯特：（暂停。）我记得有火腿。 。 。很多火腿。
接线员：在三明治里？
罗伯特：不。没有三明治。只有火腿片。 （暂停。）还有一些。 。 。一匙巧克力糖霜，两三个。 。 。青椒，我想，和酸奶。一大桶酸奶。桃子。
接线员：好，罗伯特，你明白你刚才描述的不是真正的午餐，对吗？
罗伯特：这是午餐。当没有规则的时候，这就是午餐，切丽丝！
接线员：你有没有把青椒浸在桃子酸奶里？
罗伯特：可能有。对不起。
接线员：没关系（暂停。）现在，罗伯特，你今天有没有做过什么工作？
罗伯特：我觉得没有。我本应该为一个会议做个PPT而且我。 。 。我开始了。 。 。我开始做PPT了。
接线员：然后你停了？
罗伯特：互联网上有很多我觉得有意思的事。 。 。所以我做了这些事。 （暂停。）我想我也弹了一会儿吉他。 。 。哦，我把所有的十美分从我的零钱罐里挑了出来，这花了一些时间。
接线员：你为什么这样做？
罗伯特：我有四百七十九枚十美分硬币。
接线员：（暂停。）还有什么？
罗伯特：接着我看了一个关于猫鼬的YouTube视频。
接线员：纪录片？
罗伯特：是的。 （暂停。）然后那导致我看了。 。 。其他视频。 。 。那些不是纪录片。 。 。 。这并不重要。
接线员：所以你开始看色情片？
罗伯特：是的。
接线员：你从猫鼬直接转到色情片？
罗伯特：没错，是的。
接线员：（暂停。）你花多长时间看这些视频？
罗伯特：没关系，因为我制定了自己的日程表。 。 。你懂吗？ （暂停。）切丽丝？
接线员：我明白。现在，既然你没有完成任何工作，你认为你今天可能已经锻炼了吗？
罗伯特：我不记得了。 。 。 。有可能，我猜。
接线员：你能帮我在房子里看看，告诉我，你有看到任何你可能已经运动过的迹象吗？运动鞋，健身短裤，大腿健身器？任何东西。
罗伯特：呃。 。 。我没有看到什么，我觉得没有。 （暂停。）等等，我看到一个瑜伽垫。
接线员：哦，好，好。是你的瑜伽垫吗？
罗伯特：不。
（歇斯底里的哭声。）
接线员：罗伯特？我需要你和我继续通话，好吗？ 紧急救护员应该很快就会到了，我需要你让他们进来，你能做到吗？
罗伯特：好的。
接线员：你之前提到过一次会议。你今天的会议是什么时候，罗伯特？
罗伯特：四点半。
接线员：哦，好的，紧急救护员将帮助你准备好那个PPT，让你淋浴和换衣服。
ROBERT：这只是一个电话会议。
接线员：没关系。他们会在你妻子回来之前帮你把东西整理好，好吗，罗伯特？
罗伯特：谢谢。
接线员：但是，直到他们到那里，不要再吃东西了，不要再看猫鼬视频了，好吗？
（安静。）
罗伯特：我在家工作。
接线员：嘘-嘘-嘘。 。 。我知道你在家工作。
原文出处：纽约客网站
译者：七呵夫
本译文仅供个人研习、欣赏语言之用，谢绝任何转载及用于任何商业用途。本译文所涉法律后果均由本人承担。本人同意平台在接获有关著作权人的通知后，删除文章。