美国晚间脱口秀笑话集锦（2011.9.1 - 9.12）
译者 iDo98
Sept. 12, 2011
2011年9月12日
"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien
“奥巴马总统称自己是永远乐观的人，他接着解释说，在他看来，美国人现在‘半数已就业’。”科南·奥布莱恩
"In Michigan a man in a President Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that of President Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien
“在密歇根，一名戴着酷似奥巴马总统面具的男子抢劫了一家银行，要不然就是奥巴马总统想出了一个振奋人心的新减赤计划。” - 科南·奥布莱恩
"Mitt Romney said that President Obama, does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president." –Jay Leno
“罗姆尼说，奥巴马总统不明白——美国总统并不会创造就业机会。接着罗姆尼继续解释一旦他当选总统之后他打算推行的创造就业机会计划。” - 杰·雷诺
"According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president." –Jimmy Fallon
“据一项最新民意调查显示，只有55％的美国人认为奥巴马总统是聪明的，是啊，这个比例听起来好像并不令人印象深刻，但这比上一任总统已提高55个百分点了。” - 吉米·法伦
"There's a commemorative 9/11 Merlot, perfect for when you're drinking to never forget. " –Stephen Colbert
“有一款9·11纪念版梅洛葡萄酒，非常适合你喝了之后永不忘忧。”斯蒂芬· 科尔伯特
Sept. 9, 2011
2011年9月9日
"President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion." –Jay Leno
“奥巴马总统提出了他的总额达4470亿美元的就业计划，许多经济学家说这个计划能行——如果我们有4470亿美元的话” - 杰·雷诺
"Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected." –Jay Leno
“米歇尔·巴赫曼说，如果她当选总统的话，她将废除教育部，事实上，如果没有教育部的话，那么她当选总统就会更加容易些。” - 杰·雷诺
"In his speech President Obama called the plan the 'American Jobs Act.' It sounds a lot better than the original title, the 'Save My Ass Act.'" –Jay Leno
“奥巴马总统在讲话中称该计划为‘美国就业法案’。这听起来比原来称为‘行行好帮帮忙救我一把’的标题好许多了。”- 杰·雷诺
"In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago." –Jimmy Fallon
“奥巴马总统在讲话中推出了总额达400亿美元的叫做‘美国就业法案’的计划。他们本来能有一个更具创意的名称，但负责想名称的那家伙半年前被裁掉了。“ - 吉米·法伦
Sept. 8, 2011
2011年9月8日
"Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." –David Letterman
“明天是带你孩子去失业办公室日。” - 大卫·莱特曼 （译注：美国有些公司有take Your Son or Daughter to work Day，即带孩子上班日）
"According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico." –Jay Leno
“据《洛杉矶时报》最新民意调查显示，75％的加州人认为美国走错了方向。而60％的加州人已不再抱有幻想，他们正在考虑搬回到墨西哥去。“ - 杰·雷诺
"President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map." –Jimmy Kimmel
“奥巴马总统计划把所有汽车GPS导航仪系统用手拿地图、坐在汽车后座的真人替代，从而创造上万个新就业机会。” - 吉米·法伦
"The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
“总统说，我们需要更多标记‘美国制造’的产品。好吧，让中国人在产品上打上“美国制造”的标记就是了。“吉米·法伦
Sept. 7, 2011
2011年9月7日
"The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks." –Conan O'Brien
“石油产业人士表示，如果允许他们开采更多石油的话，那么他们就可以创造出100多万个新的就业机会。当然，其中大多数工作将会是清除鸭子身上的油污。” - 科南·奥布莱恩
"To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back." –Conan O'Brien
“看看美国经济有多糟糕吧，NFL不得不向中国借来一枚25美分硬币，才有办法在开赛前猜正反选场地时有硬币可以扔。而且中方要求该用后立即归还。” - 科南·奥布莱恩
"Homeland Security says you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel." –David Letterman
“国土安全部说，航空旅行者登机前可能不必再脱鞋接受安检了。哇噢，旅游黄金时代到来啦。” - 大卫·莱特曼
"President Obama's approval rating is very low. But then again, his disapproval rating is very high, so there's a silver lining." –Jimmy Kimmel
“奥巴马总统的支持率目前相当低，但话又说回来了，他的不支持率是相当高的，所以说人总有长处和短处。” - 吉米·基梅尔
"President Obama will give a big speech on job preservation – I mean job creation." –Jay Leno
“奥巴马总统将发表有关保就业的重要讲话 —— 哦，我的意思是增就业。” - 杰·雷诺
David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways The United States Postal Service Can Turn Things Around"
大卫·莱特曼的“美国邮政服务总局起死回生的十大妙招”
10. Change name to UPS
9. Invent a stamp that licks back
8. Add wacky sound effects for mailboxes
7. Alter mail trucks to look like Millennium Falcon from 'Star Wars'
6. If your letter isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less, it's free
5. Bedazzled uniforms
4. New hit reality show: 'Real Mailmen of New Jersey'
3. Customers can now pay with gas or grass
2. Take the Packers and give three and a half tomorrow night
1. Ten cent surcharge to deliver my hate mail — you'll make millions
10. 把名称变更为UPS
9. 发明能回舔客户的邮票（注：美国有些邮票背后舔一下就能粘贴）
8. 在邮局邮箱上增加古怪的声音效果
7. 把邮车改装成看起来像是《星球大战》中的“千年隼号”宇宙飞船
6. 如果你的信件未能在30分钟内送达目的地的话，邮资免费
5. 令人目眩的制服
4. 推出最新热播真人秀：“新泽西正宗邮递员”（译注：有The Real Housewives of New Jersey 新泽西娇妻）
3. 现在客户可以通过代付汽油费或大麻来支付邮资（译注：gas,ass or grass是一些美国人认为是搭便车者的规矩：支付汽油费、给性满足、给大麻等毒品）
2. 支持绿湾包装工队，明晚给予三个半（译注：这个尚未完全理解，也许是give five的吝啬版？）
1. 如果递送我的恐吓信，额外收费10美分——你可以赚得百万美元
"According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there." –Jay Leno
“据最新民意调查显示，有73％的美国人认为美国走错了方向，这个比例高得创了纪录。但好消息是：目前汽油价格相当昂贵，所有我们不会在错误方向上走多远的。” - 杰·雷诺
"Labor Day is when Americans take three days off from looking for work." –David Letterman
“劳工节是美国人停止找工作而休息三天的节日。” - 大卫·莱特曼
"The fact that you're out of money makes you relatable to so many Americans right now." –Stephen Colbert
“现在，你没钱，这使你对美国更加具有归属感了。”斯蒂芬 ·科尔伯特
Sept. 5, 2011
2011年9月5日
"For most Americans, Labor Day means a 3-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it's been a 12-month weekend." –Jay Leno
“对于大多数美国人来说，劳工节意味着为期三天的周末，但对9.1％的美国人来说，那就意味着为期12个月的周末。” - 杰·雷诺
"New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?" –Jay Leno
“新的统计数据显示，八月份美国经济的就业增长为零。白宫告诫美国人不要过分解读这些数字。哪有这些数字，不是零吗？” - 杰雷诺
"Some jobs are growing: health care, solar technology and translating for our soon-to-be Chinese overlords." –Craig Ferguson
“有些就业机会正越来越多：医疗保健、太阳能技术以及为很快就要成为我们最高领主的中国人做翻译。” - 克雷格·弗格森
Sept. 1-2, 2011
2011年9月1-2
"'The White House agreed to move President Obama's speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe." –Jay Leno
“白宫同意把奥巴马总统的讲话从周三移到周四，因为共和党周三安排了共和党总统候选人辩论。因此，没人会观看的辩论比没人会相信的讲话更加重要些。” - 杰·雷诺
"President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman
“奥巴马总统的叔叔因酒后驾车而被捕，他的酒精含量竟然必奥巴马的支持率还要高。” - 大卫·莱特曼